autumn

Things that begin in autumn:

- Kelly and Molly (birthdays in September and November, respectively)
- Kelly and Molly's friendship
- Molly's job
- school
- which is the same as Molly's job
- cold nights (curling up in bed)
- pumpkin harvests and apple picking
- fresh notebooks fill
- the great syllabus distribution
- waking up before the sun
- welcoming weekends again (not indifferent)
- long poetic projects
- Kristin and John's wedding
- staying closer to home
- discovering a new layer to the community
- regular adventures to Otsego

We Are Lucky

I take you for granted.

I never have to think twice. I never have to wonder or guess. I know you will be there, always. I know even if we have let time lapse between visits, I know you are there. I know if I falter along the way, you will be there. Through my most joyous moments and earth shattering lows, you will be there. By my side. Hand in hand. Guiding, sharing, loving. Non judging. Just there.

No matter what I may need or rather what I think I need, you always know what I need. A vast ear, a strong shoulder, a faithful heart, a strong soul.

I take you for granted.

You have always been there to pull me out of the shadows. Always there to share in the laughter. Always there. No matter what. No matter when.

I know you will always be where I need you. And you always know when I need you.

I take you for granted.

I love Richard with all my heart and then some. But you, you will always be on a separate pedestal in my heart.

We are so lucky to have each other. To have only become stronger and grown closer over the last 15 years.

I take you for granted because I know we will always be together, without question, without hesitation. You are my best and greatest friend.

we can spend all night here

What kind of luck can a girl have for all this love? What kind of luck can I have, not only for one of the most beautiful and solid group of girl friends rising up to support and embrace, but also for you? Oh lucky life, lucky lucky life.

And I think of these things, as we are reminded to be more grateful: I think of how much time, how much planning, how much sacrifice can go into these things. And then, how much quiet, how much is humble, how much grace.

I think of how I admire you, how I love you, how I appreciate you. How you mean the world to me, and more.

a thousand paper cranes

Thank you, Kelly, for leaving little bits of you all over... for taking so much time to symbolically represent your wide net of support you have for me and him as we approach marriage. It's a lovely gift and an even better sentiment. (And you combined two of my big interests as of recent--birds and paper--what talent!)

wedding day countdown

The countdown begins. Something like twenty four days? Last night, I told The Fiance that I couldn't make any more decisions. He pushed my buttons, because he thought I was being silly. I should rephrase: "I have a quota of decisions to make during the day, and mine is full, so stop asking questions." I hadn't realized just how heavy your brain can get while making all these choices, some you feel could make the difference of a happy wedding or not (so not true--who cares if I have boning in my dress or not? Um, sure, you can put orchids in the bouquet, I don't care), but it feels like... so much pressure... Wah!

My wedding to do list:

1. Set up engagement pictures (how did this go so long?)
2. Order bridesmaid gifts.
3. Order favors. (Pick favors.)
4. Rough draft of program.
5. Send in payment to chair rental people.
6. Finish DJ online forms
7. Payments: three weeks (cake, DJ, flowers, etc.)
8. Rehearsal dinner invitations.
9. Organize RSVPs
10. Start seating chart.
11. Figure out place cards
12. Etc.

Keep my head from spinning. Breathe, breathe, breathe.

And today: Happy eight years to us. Dinner. Sleep. Snuggling. :)

Sisterhood

I've been debating how to start this post. Different thoughts and emotions that I haven't been able to sort out. So forgive me if this doesn't flow well....

You are the only person I would clean toilets for. And it wasn't really all that bad. At least I'm not traumatized by it. And if you let me, I'm going to clean out your fridge.

And while you have not cleaned any of my toilets, you have supported me and helped me through endless obstacles in life. From messy breakups, to self destructive depression, to helping me walk when I was too weak. I think we're even. If anything, I owe you.

Remember in 8th grade when I was selfish and actually used the phrase, "What is mine, is mine. And when I share it with you, it becomes less mine." In actuality, I didn't want to share you with them, not the other way around. I was scared you would make better friends with someone else and leave me behind.

I had lost so many friends over the years. Not really lost, but had to share them with other friends. And when you are young and in elementary school, arguments and fights happened on a daily basis over the most trivial things. And friends would pick sides. Best Friends would change almost weekly. I was tired of that. And I was afraid if you became friends with my older friends, you would be caught up in the confusing, petty turmoil of adolescence.

We never fought. We flowed together on a consistent wave of friendship, embracing both the highs and lows together, never against each other. Looking back over the past 15 years, we haven't fought much. I can name all our fights (at least the big one):

1. The fight over my selfishness with my older friends

2. "The Dark Years" when we didn't talk because we couldn't embrace our differences (approx. 1995 - 1998) This technically wasn't a fight. We were just oblivious to each other.

3. The fight when I canceled our road trip to Tennessee. And in the end, I think you'd agree, we would have killed each other. We're more like sisters than best friends.

That's all that stands out. Maybe because those are the ones I started.

I am happy to say, I've grown up. I'm more than happy to share my friends with you. I love that you and Michelle talk (and she's invited to your wedding in ONE MONTH!!). I'm happy that I was able to introduce you too. Just please don't leave me for her......

I will admit, I've been jealous of times. Emily got to see you every day. I'm lucky if our crosses pass more than once a month. And Angie gets to do fun things like camping with you (remember our canoe trip! Remember?) There are so many more from years past.

I can't experience everything with you. We'd kill each other.

I think its good that we each have other "best friends". I'm ready to share my friends with you (although I must warn you, don't play Monopoly with Michelle: she hits). And I want to meet all of yours. I can't wait to meet Emily at your bridal shower. And Angie is so quirky and full of spirit that she surprises me every time I see her. And I barely knew Mandy and Nikki in high school, but thanks to you, I get excited when I do see them.

I think we have finally realized our friendship, our bond is strong enough to share friends.

owing

What amuses me most: you have cleaned... how many toilets of mine since I have moved out? To me, this is unending owing. I hate cleaning my own toilets (thank goodness for those little miracle brushes), though I do so thinking of you: shocked that you have the habit of cleaning them without special tools, without gloves. I shudder to think, and must move on, hoping I can be a bit more cleanly on my next move-out, hoping my next move-out doesn't happen for eons.

Tonight, another good friend got married. Another beautiful bride, another beautiful ceremony, and so much happiness as it all occurred... I remember as the pastor said to us: it's not just today that you need to be here for the couple, but watch them grow and help them.

I think of how many people we all have that love us, that want the best for us. I think of how fiercely I want the best for you (for Emily, for so many that I love).

And tonight, I realized: five weeks from my own wedding day.

I also thought of this: Emily's friends have been so accepting of me, so welcoming, so curious about who I am (they told me she's mentioned me a handful of times, so of course, natural curiosity). And I also think of how I am such a naturally jealous person, how your new friends have always made me mildly leery and how I began to meet people you've mentioned, realizing how wonderful they are. Think of Michelle! My goodness, I'm so glad you've introduced me to her! And Monette, such a good attendant... and I realize this: the people who have welcomed me into Emily's life have done so because I clearly love her, clearly care about her, clearly value her friendship.

And so here I am, in my own humble way, trying to do the same to you: anyone who wants to enter your life, who loves you as I think you deserve to be loved, as I think people like Michelle and Monette (and others) do, I hope I can find a way to be as good to them as I think Em's friends have been to me. Here I lay down that silly gauntlet of jealousy.

We are a jealous species, you and I. I think that means we love each other, though sometimes it's a very silly way of showing it. :)